Saturday, June 29, 2013
For now

"Considering the way the world is, one happy day is almost a miracle."
-Paulo Coelho

I want to meet someone who can say that he is truly and deeply happy. I'm not going to ridicule or disbelieve him but, I'll ask why he is happy and then I'll listen to his answer intently. I'll listen until I am filled with hope that I, too, can someday be as happy as he is. I just really want to know that those kind of people exist.

I've had so many people tell me what to do to be happy. Most of the time, they only give me incorrect pieces of advice. I don't blame them, though. Who in the world anyway can give a perfect advice to someone they don't really know? Cliché as it may be, nobody knows my story. I don't tell it because I can't. Or at least, not yet.

I would be lying if I say I don't know what would make me happy. I know exactly what that is. But no matter how I try, I can't bring myself to do it. I can't do something that would break my family's heart. So for now, I'll just let my own heart break.

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"Searching for Happiness IV":

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Thursday, February 28, 2013
How Our Parents Raised Us

“We define our identity always in dialogue with, sometimes in struggle against, the things our significant others want to see in us. Even after we outgrow some of these others—our parents, for instance—and they disappear from our lives, the conversation with them continues within us as long as we live.” 
― Charles Taylor, Multiculturalism

I grew up in a lovely home where standards were clearly understood even at an early age. When I was about 6 or 7, I already knew what dress is considered as inappropriate and what kind of shows I should or shouldn't watch on TV. My parents were really open about their expectations for us. However, unlike any other children with some strict house rules, my siblings and I never felt that we were forced to be or do what they want. Of course we know that they're hoping that we, too, would desire what they want for us but, Mom and Dad loved us. They wanted us to choose for ourselves and not feel controlled. They were just there to teach and to guide. The rest were up to us.

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Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Home Again

"The ache for home lives in all of us..." 
-Maya Angelou 

I’m back. Back in Luzon, back in the “real world” (as said by everyone to me, as if I just came back from a book), back to the lovely place I call home. I definitely missed everyone. And they (together with some other things) changed so much. Wow. 2 years could do that much, huh?

Anyway, I’ve been home for 11 days now and somehow, I still feel weird. Aside from having this irritating runny nose, doing nothing is so depressing. It’s not that I’m not really doing anything but, comparing to what I did there makes everything I do now so unfulfilling. But if you ask me if I’ll be willing to do it again, like, do it the second time? Heck no. I surely learned a lot, grew up and became a better person because of the nobility and sacredness of the calling which was bestowed upon me. BUT, with all the stress that I went through, the heartaches and the emotionally-demanding work that I had, 2 years was enough, thank you very much.

So, yeah… I’m just trying to do things which would make me busy and happy at the same time. I actually planned yesterday to accompany my Mom to the market, arrange my clothes, watch over our store and clean up my room. Unfortunately, as I said, I have this runny rose which is so darn cruel to me! But I won’t be defeated. Later, I’m gonna battle it so I can go to Rommel’s house and give him some of my clothes. He’s going be baptized this month so he’ll be needing some white button-up shirts and some formal pants. Then we (I’ll do this with May) will go to DSWD to ask if I could donate some clothes. And if we’ll have time, I’m thinking of checking TESDA and ask when they’ll start their classes. I don’t want to be a bum, so I’ll probably enroll for a class or two while waiting for my school application to be approved. That is, after I get home from Sg.

And speaking of school application, I'm not done with it yet. I'm stuck at part 8 which is all about financial accountability. I'm just not sure how much my parents should give monthly. My dad said I should state 25 USD but, I think it's too small. It's true, though, that it's all that they can give. I don't know, however, if I'll get accepted if I put that amount. Goodness. It's hard to be poor!

I just hope that everything will get better. Or at least, my life will.
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Monday, January 16, 2012

“You know you've read a good book when you turn the last page and feel a little as if you have lost a friend.”
- Paul Sweeny

My idea of an awesome summer vacation is to sit on a warm sand of the best beach in the world, reading a New York Times bestselling novel, with a Coco Water shake on my side at 7:00 AM.

So far, "reading a New York Times bestselling novel during a summer break" is the only thing I've got. And I get. Every year. Hoorah.

I can't remember exactly when I started to like books. I'm not even sure what's the first book I've read or finished. Maybe it was a Hardy Boys book. Or The Book of Mormon Stories. I don't know. But all I know is that the first time I went to National Bookstore, I was around 8 years old, I guess, I got butterflies in my stomach. And having no idea what that feeling was, I even thought I just wanted to poop. Good times. That was the time I knew that life without books, is life not worth living. Or at least for me.

I don't have a specific favorite genre. I read from Agatha Christie's books to J.K Rowling's, from Almanac to Edith Hamilton's. Though I must say, I wasn't particularly interested with self-help books before. I used to find them lame and that only old, unsuccessful people who are lost and unhappy are the ones who read them. Well, that changed when I got this copy of some second-hand Teenage-Guide-to-something-I-can't-remember book and realized how really helpful they are to open your mind to new perspectives. That's the time I had the desire to own more SHBs like Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People and How to Win Friends and Influence People. But oh boy, I never thought they're expensive as heck. Thankfully, e-book was invented. But I don't know, sometimes it still feels different for me when I read from a real book compared when I read in front of a screen. I'm the kind of guy who likes to smell his books before reading it. I'm weird like that.

Lately, I've been having this unnecessary craving to read YA novels. I believe it started when I read The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky. Man, I was so into it that I almost memorized every line I liked in that book... and it never happened to me before! My memory is so bad I know I wouldn't be able to memorize even my girlfriend's number. If ever I'll have a girlfriend soon. Then, it followed when I read A Separate Peace by John Knowles and Looking for Alaska by John Green. And so right now I'm actually wishing someone likes me so much that they'll buy me a copy of The Failing of Our Stars by J.G. or How They Met, and Other Stories by David Levithan. PLEASE. PLEASE. PLEASE. I'll even let you sleep with me. Next year. Or not. Just please buy me a copy!

Somehow, they're becoming my new SHB. Like, I feel I must apply the life lessons I've learned from those stories. And that's great for me. I mean, entertainment plus a desire to change, who would think SA fiction would be my drug for depression and discouragements?

And speaking of which, I also love Nicholas Sparks. I know! That's so gay. But I can't help it. I'm such a sucker for tear-jerkers.

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Thursday, January 12, 2012
Debugging Backstage

"I can't imagine anything more worthwhile than doing what I most love. And they pay me for it."
-Edgar Winter

The Leadership Training went good; I was so energized and inspired to do better, just what I need for my remaining five months of work here. I say it's one of the best training sessions I've attended so far.

The food that was served was better than expected. I actually proposed to our President last Staff Meeting to replace the caterer due to previous problems we had with their choice of entrée and utensils but, they definitely revived their reputation yesterday.

My workshop went perfect. I actually felt a guiding hand when I was preparing the outline at 5:00 AM in the morning and while doing the actual workshop. It's so good to know that I got some divine help, for I know I could never deliver such a discussion relying on my talents and abilities alone.

I discussed three possible reasons why some people aren't doing the things they should be doing and not being who they should be, namely:

First, they don't know "it". Second, they don't understand the point. Third, they don't love "it". ("it" being the thing they should be actively engaged in and/or the person they should be)

To be able to empathize with those kinds of people, I thought of a part of my life when I've been, more or less, acting like them. And quickly, I remembered my college days.

They Don't Know "It"
I took up BS Computer Science in the University of Santo Tomas. It wasn't what I really wanted but my dad and sisters greatly encouraged me that I take it up and being an all-too-dependent person I am to my parents and siblings (even when it comes to decision making), without courage to say "no" to what they say I should do, I chose it.

I like doing things in cyberspace, i.e blogging, chatting and social networking. However, I was never interested to use the C Language (for I cannot even master the English language yet) nor debug a program which is like finding a needle in a haystack. I think I wasted my first few months in college whining about my decision and asking myself, "Why am I taking this boring and nonsense course?", even though my sister always tells me how much I could get paid someday. I didn't really know why Computer Programming was (and probably, still is) such a good course. Never did I done any research to at least know the standpoint of my concerned family. So, I ended up not being serious to my studies and just trying to make my way through the exams without really understanding Computer Programming.

They Don't Understand the Point

After several months of attending lectures and seminars, I finally came to realize how good BS CS is. However, like any Filipino soap opera when the premise is about to be concluded yet the show is at it's peek and gaining much fan-base, another barrier entered my mind. "Okay, now I understand why I should take this course. But what's the point of taking it? I mean, so what if I'll get a high-paying job someday? Would it really matter? All I want is a simple life in a suburb."

I was such a myopic teenager. Slow, I've been, to get the point of what my family wants for me. I wasn't really thinking how hard life is nowadays; that normal paychecks of the old world has turned meager income in the new world; that simple life now comprises of necessities which used to be called luxuries.

They Don't Love "It"
As I have mentioned, I'm not a computer person. I actually prefer Theater Arts or Speech Communication than printf and brackets. So even though I have learned many things about how marvelous PCs were made and how fulfilling it is to create an ATM-like programs with all its creative designs (after taking a few pills of Isometheptene), my heart still yearned for stage performances and radio dramas. I continued to watch Hamlet than Howe and Howe Tech , read 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens than The Complete Idiot's Guide to Java. That, I believe, is the biggest reason why I never excelled in my major subjects yet aced my English 101 and English Lit classes. I knew, even before, that I won't be able to exert much effort studying things I don't love.

I was actually happy when doing the workshop because 1. I really love giving out talks, seminars and lead discussions and 2. I did not just learn from others' answers and ideas but, surprisingly, 3. learned some things even from myself that I didn't know I knew before.

Surely, I'm ready for BYU-Hawaii. (if you find that totally unrelated, well, I believe you're right)
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Monday, January 9, 2012
Color me Opposite. Color me Red.

“When in doubt wear red.”
- Bill Blass



Red is the most ironic color, yeah?

Speaking of which, I would like to give a shout-out. Alex, you definitely inspired me to be "out there" and to chase my dreams. A million thanks to you, genius!

Also,, thank you (too) for being a part of my 2011 no matter how many islands apart we are from each other right now. See you soon.

Need to travel to Ozamiz City tomorrow afternoon. Will check-in at the Royal Garden Hotel for a night then have to deliver a workshop by Wednesday. And yep, I'm still unprepared. CRAMMING, you make my life so exciting.

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Thursday, January 5, 2012
New Year, Old Stuff

“I've got a great ambition to die of exhaustion rather than boredom.”
- Thomas Carlyle

I'm back in the O-building.
New People, Same Job, Old Attitude.

I e-mailed my sister this morning, telling her how unhappy I am to be back here. Of course, she told me I'm being pessimistic again (for the Nth time) and definitely ungrateful with this so-called position of trust... which I totally believe is true. But then again, with this oh-so great and wonderful UNPRODUCTIVE day I'm having, I surely wish I stayed in The City of Good Life.

I guess I should repent now.

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Wednesday, March 30, 2011

"Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."
-Abraham Lincoln


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Monday, March 28, 2011
Hats Off

"I'm not going to be caught around here for any fool celebration."
- Norman Rockwell

No more allowance!

wonderful people.

Make every unemployed
person proud!

Photo by:
"Free At Last II"

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Tuesday, March 1, 2011
In the middle

there in
a crowded
open field
i sat
two lovers
exquisite faces,
alluring voices

there where
are magical
i sat
two lovers
and uncertain,
no goodbyes,
no, not yet

Photo by:
"Three colours"

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Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Here in the Desert

"Of all the worldy passions..."

here in the desert
you'll see deserts
you may not
taste them
nor even
touch them
you could try
but then you'll die

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Thursday, February 17, 2011

"I like being a villain.
Villains are more exciting."
-Judd Nelson

I received a hate mail last Monday— a handwritten one. Awesome, right? I never thought somebody could hate me so much to really make an effort to write with their own hands (or feet, I'm not entirely sure). I thought people enjoy cyber-bullying more. But I guess I was wrong.

In line with that, today I received an e-mail from a friend about a "brutally honest personality test". Curiosity got me and yes, I tried it. Cool enough, i got this result:

You manipulative busybody! You're what some might call the "backseat driver" of life. You know, the one who knows exactly what everyone else is doing wrong and how they should go about fixing it. You're always trying to change everyone else.

The strange thing is, you can generally get whoever you want, to do whatever you want.

You have powers of manipulation unlike any other. You know all the gossip and you know how to ultimately use it as blackmailing material.

You could potentially be the ultimate evil villain.

Great. I hope someone would cast me in an upcoming superhero movie of some sort and make a villain out of my outstanding attitude.


Photo by:
"The Killing Joke 1"

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Wednesday, February 16, 2011
She Knows Best

"The best conversations with mothers always take place in silence, when only the heart speaks."
-Carrie Latet

I went home at 1 A.M.

Mom woke up.
Uncovered my supposed to be 9PM dinner.
Sat opposite me.
Tasted the meal.
"Still tastes great."
She smiled.
She watched me as I eat my favorite meal.


Photo by:
"mother and son"

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Tuesday, February 15, 2011
A+ Creatures

"Living in an age of advertisement, we are perpetually disillusioned."
-Joseph Priestly

Oh Kens & Barbies,
why not
wear your
invisibility cloaks?
Even just for today?


Photo by:
"Lookin' skinny like a model."

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Monday, February 14, 2011
Locked Heart. Open Eyes.

“When the sparrow sings its final refrain, the hush is felt nowhere more deeply than in the heart of man.”
-Don Williams Jr.

One year later,
I'm still an audience.
No gold ticket
for two hours.
For now, i'll just sit here
behind the barricades.


Photo by:
"Eyes see 1"

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Sunday, February 14, 2010
Red stain

"Today is a holiday invented by greeting card companies to make people feel like crap."
- Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Go celebrate while I sleep the whole day.


Photo by:
"My Valentine"

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Tuesday, January 26, 2010

"We always long for the forbidden things."
-Francois Rabelais

Not doing it makes me wanna do it more.


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Wednesday, January 6, 2010

"It is wise to disclose what cannot be concealed."
-Johann Friedrich Von Schiller

I've been adding many skeletons in my closet that it won't fit anymore.


Photo by:
"calling all skeletons"


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Friday, January 1, 2010
Twenty Ten

“Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right.”
- Oprah Winfrey

Happy New Year!

May all your secrets be revealed this year.


Photo by:
"Welcome 2010"


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Wednesday, December 30, 2009
That ONE Song

Just when you thought you're strong enough to move on, you'll suddenly hear that particular song.

And you'll remember the face.
The face you're trying to forget.
And it'll hurt.
You'll feel the ache.
And you're vulnerable once again.


Photo by:
"The songs are about you"

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