Sunday, January 27, 2008
Missing the guy i used to be
Has anyone ever told you, you changed? Like, you are not who you used to be. That it seems they do not know you anymore? And the worst part is, they told you that you were so much better before? A friend of mine actually told me those words and I actually didn't believe in her, not until the day I felt my life is starting to become different than before.
When i think about comparing my life now and my life before, I always end up comparing high school and college life. Because as a matter of fact, there are lots of dissimilarity between the two.
I can describe high school as the highlight of my life. Those were the times when I get what I wanted, I can choose whoever I wished to be and do everything I always wanted to do. I was like this really great person whom anyone could actually depend on, someone who people look up to, someone who is a lot better than who I am now. But of course everything perishes... everything changes.
Before, I can talk to people without shyness or without being intimidated. Though I have some flaws, those really don't bother me at all. But things started to change when I entered college. I now see how imperfect I am. And another thing is that, skin problems are all over my face. Then my sickness got worse. It's really depressing most of the time.
Also, some old friends are asking me what happened to me, why I got thinner and why my skin problem is getting terrible. Those issues make me sick. I just smile whenever they ask me those ugly questions but the truth is, it hurts like hell.
A new friend told me that I should not focus on my outward appearance. He also told me that he once felt the same way but he managed to throw those feelings away because he now knows what's more important. But I guess it's not that easy. Especially when I think that everything used to be okay... even perfect.
Moreover, I know I am also not doing great in school. I'm kind of failing some subjects due to some reasons. And man, I was not like this before. School used to be on my top priorities. I can still remember how I do everything just to have the best grades and be one of the top students in my class. But now, I am like this stupid guy who always worries not because he is going to have just a good and not the best grade but if he is going to pass or not.
Attitude is another issue. I can see that these days, I am becoming more and more lazy, I do not set my priorities and I'm always moody.
Sometimes, I feel that I am becoming horrible. That I am really a big ugly person now. And that feeling sucks.
But I guess all I need is time to make everything go back to its old state and just be strong to deal with everything. Also, I think I need to be more optimistic than ever so I can have a peace of mind.
I hardly do not know what these changes could bring more. But I do hope it will be okay soon.